The Midnight Manifesto is a book about the end of time as we know it. It is a story of awakening to spirit, soul and sexuality—an awakening to the embodiedness of human existence and to all struggle as its denial. It is a love story, an exploration of Self and a testimony to Life.
My name is Kathleen Halley Angus and I am twisted to my core. When I was seventeen I bought a one way ticket to the other side of the world and for fifteen years I ran from a feeling inside me that I always knew would eventually catch up. I settled in a way—working for what I thought would make a better world; studying in the hope I could change it through knowledge. I fell in love and was given a glimpse of how it might feel to be settled but I never really felt settled. Feelings of peace came with a sense that an inevitable doom had only been suspended. I made some friends and we protested against the broken system. I rebelled but in many ways I complied. I got high and I liked it there. I lived—was carried, pushed on by the world around me. Time passed. When I knew my relationship was going to end and my life was about to, in some way, collapse, I deferred it. I got on my bike and cycled thousands of kilometres across different patches of the Earth. I set off on a path of self discovery, but was I looking for my Self or was I running from it?
I have always known there was something I’d forgotten—something I needed to understand. I have always known the comet which travels against the grain of orbital space and that passed through the skies before my birth and named me, had something to teach me. I have always known I would travel to the stars.
In January 2018 a person I met in a dream spoke words to me from across an ocean that shattered me open completely. “I’m in love with you”, she said, “but I can’t do anything about it”. She set me on fire and I was turned on like I’d never been. ‘Put me out, would you? Ride me. Do something!’ She remained only a voice, though—incorporeal, unattainable and untouchable. I felt like I might explode with desire. At around the same time, I was prescribed an exercise for chronic pain that has laced my body since I was a child. I was to use a mirror to trick my brain into perceiving the unreal as real—new neural pathways are created, the mind believes it can do something it couldn’t previously do—and so it can. My pelvic floor physiotherapist had, for the briefest of moments, turned into a wizard and the mirror trick catapulted into a new dimension. I exploded. My world began to unravel and I was flung into a place of existential awareness that marked the beginning of a journey that would take me deep into my body, mind and heart. It would lead me to the Himalayan peaks, to mantra and yoga and meditation. It would lead me to an awakening and to the collapse of the reality I had once accepted as true. It would lead me to God – to the Sacred – and to the realisation that it is faith that holds us together. But it would lead to doubt too—to emptiness, meaninglessness and nothingness. Eventually, it led me into total despair and to the belief the only way out of it was to kill myself.
This is a tale about Heaven and Hell, peace and turmoil, sickness and health. This is a rejection of everything we think we know. It is the voice of the Feminine speaking out against the constructs of the Masculine-dominated mind. It is words of the Heart that have gone long unspoken.
This is a story about facing the Self, written in the knowledge that this world will change when we dare to—that the only thing we got wrong is our collective perspective; that we will not get better until we admit we are not very well; and we’ve said it all along—laughter is the best medicine.
What does one do when through facing a pain they have carried since they were a child, they stumble blind upon a kind of Christ consciousness? What does one do when they are fully awake to life and can see that sanity is madness, normal is numbness and the only way home from here is through surrender?
What does one do when they see the Truth and have the words to put to it? When existence becomes a black comedy, life nothing but a test of character and the evolution of Consciousness a story of the hero’s journey, just waiting for someone to take the lead role? If they are me, they let go of everything, they see this world is but a stage and they are but a player to either play or else be played. Knowing that Time is something we made upside, in the absence of anyone else doing it, they have a go at playing Jesus, they tell the Truth and they try as hard as they can to make it funny.
This is my surrender. It is an invitation into a world where instead of raging against ourselves and being ruled by fear and denial of what we are, we set ourselves free—where natural justice prevails and the stagnation that comes through fear of change is triumphed by Courage and Love and the innate human desire for what is Real and True; where the obvious facts of our existence are accepted, where we admit we have gone the wrong way, we see it was always part of the plan and we finally be brave and turn around.
We have run from ourselves forever. We have become tense, clenched up, shaped by the chains of a Society built with an imagination being ever increasingly crushed and by a mind that lives in fear. The system is the collective state of denial of what we are. Politics is the reflection of our refusal to take responsibility. The Man is the Devil and he lives inside. History was written by the Ego, Time is the suspension of the moment we refuse to face in fear of what we’ll find, our global existential crises are what come before our awakening and we are but Children of God who went and forgot. It’s never been more obvious what’s going on.
The Midnight Manifesto is an invitation to let go of everything so that we may start again.
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